Old entry from April 2010, felt extremely fitting to post it now. So many recent events that are oddly similar and two and a half years later.
Perfectly depicts the ridiculously cyclical ebbs and flows of being 20 something.
Can’t stop laughing when I remember how old I thought I was and HOW MUCH OF A TEENAGER I ACTUALLY SOUND LIKE. How was I paying bills and rent and then writing this stuff?
It sometimes (very rarely, but sometimes) worries me about how irregularly I write. I always looked at dad’s diaries in his room with that sense of hopeless admiration, almost like I knew that I could never keep so many memories together. I’ve felt weird the past couple of days. It’s difficult to pinpoint it, like a sort of restlessness. Like I want to turn on something really loudly and go crazy. Instead I worry that I don’t have any song that I love enough to turn on loudly and lose it to. Strange how loneliness can creep up on you. I’m looking through this window, in this house in Carlton North, and I have no idea where any of the people that raised me are. Like they’re drifting from me, but if I called them they’d probably pick up the phone straight away. Stupid. Our house is in a weird stage. Like no-one can stand being around here too much. I don’t reflect on values all that often, the people I truly value. Connectedness and feeling like I don’t even know if I know what that word means. I feel like I know a lot of people, I’ve met them all in a short period of time and know them all, but at the end of a day like today, I feel as if I’m going to be forever on the outside. I want to stop thinking about whether there even is an inside, purely because that sounds like a giant fuck off cliche. Loneliness; don’t even know if that’s what I’m feeling. More like an odd sort of involved displacement. I should call Astrid tomorrow, haven’t spoken in a while. She’ll be thinking that I’m avoiding her, and seeing as we made a pact that we’ll start contacting more often, I should call her. Quick list of recent happenings of some importance:
1. I think I have a boyfriend (?) we talked about it and I guess that’s legit but I don’t really know.
2. I might leave uni early so I can focus on acting. Always have and always will. Might look at NIDA, watch this space.
3. New job. NOT IN HOSPO. Market research, I think that’s what they call a step backwards but fuck it, money.
4. I’m going to do this regularly now.
The next entry isn’t until December 31st, 2010 when my friends and I went down to the beach for new years. There’s pages and pages of ideas for a play that I wanted to write while at uni, notes from my classes at St Martins, a monologue from The Taming of the Shrew, Antigone’s “journey”, doodles from that market research job that made me insane, and another poem about a boy. Read it above.